The Journal
mullings on magic, flashes of stories, & the occasional poem
From Atheist to Mystic
On accepting spiritual experience.
January 31, 2023Save for a Christmas tree, I was not raised with any religion, and from a young age, I renounced any and all spiritual beliefs.
There’s no science to support it, and there are ample reasons to dismiss it. This was my argument for most of my life.
Then, from 2014 to 2022, I had countless dreams that came true. I received regular visions and intuitive messages that consistently proved to be accurate. I lived my days awash in synchronicity, experienced the complete remission of three chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia, Sjögren's Syndrome, and temporal lobe epilepsy), and even had visions of a halo around my body (that then appeared on camera). Still, I struggled to believe.
I’d studied analytic philosophy and human evolution at Vassar College. I’d conducted research with one of the world’s foremost primatologists. I’d bowed at the altar of intellectualism, and my scientifically-trained mind could always deliver plenty of reasons other than the spiritual to explain my experiences.
I clung tightly to the cliffs of linear logic and feared swimming in the sea of faith, but ultimately, for me, this position became untenable. Something more pressed on my being with such force that eventually, I had to let go. I had to accept and believe: I wasn’t just a person having mysterious, magical experiences. I was a person living a deeply spiritual experience that many other people are living and many others have lived, and for me to continue to hold my experiences at a distance — like a scientist with a microscope — was ultimately preventing me from fully embodying who I am.
So now, I accept. I trust. I approach faith and spirituality with curiosity and conviction — simultaneously honoring all that I know while acknowledging all that I am still learning.
Thank you for being here.
The week before my wedding, I received intuitive messages telling me that my photographer would capture something extra special on my wedding day. I saw this in a vision like some otherworldly light around my body — the invisible made seen — and I heard (through subtle, intuitive hearing) that this was my “true self.” The following images were taken on June 8, 2019.
The God I Know
On redefining the word God.
January 31, 2023The God I know is not a man in the sky
casting judgment.
No, he is a loving unified expression of reality
speaking through all things, all the time.
He is not even a he or a she or anything as measured as that.
He is just everywhere and everything, all at once.
Each person’s ability to hear and experience God is based on a number of things,
mostly
the evolution of their own heart.
All religions past and present are an expression of God.
They all work in harmony within a cosmic web of belief.
Most are saying the same thing again and again.
The scientific method? It’s just another way to get to know God.
All of us have a direct connection to God.
There is no end to God speaking.
There is no final prophet or messiah.
You can find God in flowers and music and stories and each other and yourself.
Our connection to God is unyielding.
All things are connected.
You do not have to believe in God to live according to God and in oneness with God.
You could be the most devoted servant of God and not even know it.
What matters most is allegiance to your own heart.
Do not betray your heart, for God speaks through your heart.
Light triumphs over dark not by attacking darkness but by opening itself to more and more light.
Sometimes this looks like an attack.
Nothing is as simple as it seems.
Everything is quite simple though.
What is above shapes what’s below and what’s below shapes what’s above.
Through living life on the bridge between heaven and earth, the earth becomes a glorious garden, and paradise is restored for all.
This is a metaphor.
All language is a metaphor.
You’ll understand these words best by dismissing them completely and feeling instead.
Get to know your heart, and your mind will follow.
Godspeed.
The words above spontaneously entered my mind on January 30, 2023, and were edited months later. I hesitated to ever share them. I’m often wary to explicitly speak of God, yet the words keep coming. I am, personally, not a proponent of organized religion. But I am a lover of God. When I use that word, the above is what I mean. The above is what I’ve come to know. All the other uses of the name “God”? They are, in my opinion, simply a facet of God. A piece of its face. As if the speaker is looking at a broken mirror and simply seeing what’s reflected in a single shard. We keep looking. We keep looking. We keep looking.
It Was Given
On unexpected gifts and the call to illustrate.
September 16, 2023Whenever I’m feeling low, nothing shifts my mood faster than stepping outside and going for a walk. Inevitably, I encounter something that unravels whatever knot has mistakenly convinced me that things are worse than they are. On one such day this August, I walked to a nearby chocolate cafe, and as I was walking home, I was surprised to find a pen, lying on the ground in front of me.
If I still lived in New York City, this probably wouldn’t have felt all that special. Most likely, I wouldn’t have even noticed it between the black trash bags and crumpled up fast food wrappers. But here, in Ohio, the path between the cafe and home is primarily covered in grass. The street is spick and span. Litter and other stray objects are hard to find. And the “path” itself is not well trodden. Most people drive, but I was walking and there it was: a pen.
Not to my right, not to my left, but right in front of me. Placed at the tips of my toes. And this pen? It wasn’t just any pen. It was the exact same kind of pen that I like to draw with: a Sharpie ultra fine black marker. It felt like a gift, so I picked it up.
I saw a name written on its side in faded black ink: NATHAN. I looked around and decided that Nathan, whoever he was, was probably not coming back for his pen, so I tucked it in my purse and kept walking home.
Like walking, drawing always brings me joy. It snaps me out of the world of words and delivers me…somewhere else.
And Nathan, I learned, stems from the Hebrew verb for “gave.” Its meaning is often translated as “gift from God.” As in, it was given. And so, I took Nathan’s pen, and I started drawing.
the GALLERY